Fixer Upper

All my life, I have always aimed to please whoever I was around. I would get extremely anxious if I sensed disappointment, or if I had to ask to do something. And it never made sense until my husband laid a piece of knowledge on me. He said "I believe your gift is to be there for everyone else. To help heal, or fix and that's it." I was taken aback. Why is that my gift? Why would God give me a gift that would, time after time, hurt me? So that HE would be my ultimate healer. See, I have looked at every person in my life and had standards and when they couldn't meet them, I would be crushed. And this was everyone, so after be crushed over and over, I just quit trying. I quit reaching out. I started building walls and keeping people at arms length. But I was miserable. I wasnt there for anyone. I was allowing Satan to use my pain to keep me from seeing what God had intended for me. Now, I'm not saying that since my hubby told me that I am healed, I'm not, but I can see clearer now. I can understand why I get anxious, or why I struggle. See I look at myself like that gorgeous country farmhouse, sitting off in the distance. It has a wrap around porch with porch swings and its gorgeous. Has a fresh coat of paint, and looks new. But under closer examination, you realize the painters didnt remove the old paint in all spots, so there's already some chips happening. And that's me, I know God has me, but I am a work in progress. Just as I am there for those around me, and I may be crushed again in the future, I know God will scrap off the old paint, and paint new!

Who are you?

So, I just finished visiting with a dear friend, and as she was leaving we got to talking about "old school" Christians and how most tend to ignore grace. And it made me wonder where do I fit in.

I see you sitting there eating that 3 piece of pie, and then hear you complain of your weight;
I see you sitting there loving all over your spouse, all the while having an affair with your neighbor;
I see you sitting there Sunday morning, in your Sunday finest, praising Jesus, to only go home and start abusing your family;

I see you come in with 3 kids in tow, dressed in what I assume are your best clothes, only to be looked down on;
I see you asking for 20.00, and being laughed at and told no you dont need more beer, but what they dont know is you have a sick baby at home;
I see you struggling to finish high school, but instead of giving help, your teachers ridicule you, they dont know you would be the 1st in your family to graduate.

Who are you? Jesus doesnt want nice and neat! He doesn't want fake followers. He wants real. He wants dirty. He wants the followers that will say "Here I am Lord, take me, use me. I am yours." Remember who He broke bread with? Remember who He appeared to?

Ask yourself that question today.. Who am I? Am I a nice and neat Christian? Or am I am dirty and real Christian?

Loneliness is better than fakeness

All my life, I have struggled. I habe struggle to make friends, to keep friends, to feel accepted. I know where that stems from, but that's for another day.

Why is it so hard to find my people? I am tired of being alone and fighting alone. Having a circle to help defend the enemy would make life easier.

I say I am alone but truthfully, I'm not. I always have God beside me. And honestly, I still struggle there. I dont know why. Maybe it's the flesh speaking. Always hearing you're not good enough, seeing it play out your entire life, makes believing otherwise hard. I KNOW God is always there. I have seen Him work miracles in my life, in my families lives, but still flesh gets in the way.  Women tend to joke about how Eve cursed us to a life of misery but that stupid serpent did it. He went after Adam's helpmate, the person that would keep Adam strong, that would keep her family together. He went after the one person he knew that would crumble all the future "Eves." And I wonder if after Eve bit into that apple, if self doubt didnt start creeping in immediately. If she didnt start questioning her self worth immediately. If she didnt look around and wonder why am I here, what do I have to offer Adam.

I often have those same questions. I wonder why I am not good enough to be invited out. I wonder why I spend all my time alone, outside mu husband and boys. I wonder what curse was laid that I have picked up, thay attributes to my loneliness. Am I destined to be another Eve and spend my days banished from the wonders of God's glory because of my "apple?"